I’m sorry, but it’s true.

A guy on a first date just has no actual personality. Thank you. You should. A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane and ill-advised, and the whole species’ existence counts on them doing it, and I don’t know how they– How do women still go out with guys when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? Nobody knows, I guess. All right. My daughter was having a dance thing at her school. I saw a guy with no legs wheeling by, And he was like, “yecch, no thank you. Don’t do this!” But he walked up and said, “hi. “Whoo! Of course, if you’re fighting for your country and you get shot or hurt, it’s a terrible tragedy, of course, of course… But maybe… Maybe if you pick up a gun and go to another country and you get shot, it’s not that weird. I like getting older, though.

Emmy(R)-winning sitcom star and comic Louis C.K. They’re sitting in the dark going, “I don’t have to clap. Theater in the round is tough for a performer and can be for the audience. The male courage, traditionally speaking, is that he decided to ask.

It’s become a category in my brain That I call, “of course… But maybe…” I’ll give you an example, OK? He’s witnessed history, Even if it’s not ancient history. If you’re a gay man, you get to just fill your boyfriend’s ass with your dick, just fill it all the way to the balls, And it’s nice and warm and tight in there, And he’s your buddy. I really don’t. I think they’d be bummed ’cause I don’t think sharks are aware of that at all. You can’t get a fountain made without– “can you make me a fountain?” “yes, I’ll get started right away! I mean, when you have bacon in your mouth, It doesn’t matter who’s president or anything, You just–“” Every time I’m eating bacon, I think, “I could die right now,” and I mean it!

They just show up With a big adam’s apple and a smelly t-shirt.

“I hope you die!” Why?

Why are you taping this? Here’s another thing about my age right now. It was an amazing thing to watch ’cause kids are dancing And every parent is standing there like this. ’cause never identify yourself. 's style plays to most audiences using everything from improvisation to sound effects, and all within an eloquent, conversational tone.

You just put it on Facebook. There’d be just– You’d be stepping over dead kids. It doesn’t mean they’re right. “I do not want those. Ends up just shitting on her dog for the rest of her life. They just wash it, and then they die.

I’ll help you brush your teeth, you help me with the socks. Where are we going?” “To your death, statistically.” How do they still do it? That’s what I do. Quickly browse titles in our catalog based on the ones you have picked. I don’t think she’ll be able to handle it. “I never killed anybody.” “OK. I mean, my mom didn’t. There’s way more. OK. That’s about 60 people out of 2,400. Prime members enjoy FREE Delivery and exclusive access to music, movies, TV shows, original audio series, and Kindle books. It’s like a four-leaf clover. Already, my asshole’s just like, “Just– ” My asshole– My asshole’s like the waistband on old pajama bottoms, Just kinda… Loose and ineffectual. Rrgh…” Whatever, just like a blind dick in space just thrusting in infinite directions Hoping to find pay dirt at someplace, And then sometimes you see a date that’s later down the line and something has happened. This is Arizona.

Because the factory where they’re making these, They jump off the fucking roof ’cause it’s a nightmare in there. This is earth, and for trillions of miles in every direction, It fucking sucks so bad. Read more about "Baskets" here! I said I liked it. Today people are like, “the president’s kind of disappointing.” Really?

Louis C.K. I don’t have it! Why did he die? I like life. “You feel invisible to the girls in school because you are, “but it gets better because you’ll all grow up, “and you pretty much look just like this your whole life, “and they don’t. OK. Back to this.” Nobody’s watching your kids’ videos on Facebook, I promise you. It’s always this thing and then this thing. Thanks a lot, folks.

I mean, not everybody. “It just takes time for her circumstances “to match your looks, but it’s gonna happen. That’s the actual reason, is because didn’t matter That he was alive. In a million years, you’re not gonna watch videos Of your kids doing shit you missed The first time it happened. This is bullshit.” “grownups ain’t worth the meat.” Whoops, all right. weaves his jokes in and out of thought-provoking moments. He’s seen more. I’m 45 now, So I’m either halfway through a healthy life or almost done with a not-so-healthy life. Soon as I start, I can feel– I’m pushing all the fat up into my vital organs, And I just feel all the systems failing. There's a problem loading this menu right now. That’s where human greatness comes from, is that we’re shitty people, that we fuck others over. Even if I have a terrible day in the future Where my grandmother is murdered by my other grandmother, If that ever happened to me, the worst part of that day Will be when I put on my socks because– Putting on my socks, that means I have to– Here’s what I have to do. If you’re a guy, try to imagine that you could only date a half-bear, half-lion, And you’re like, “I hope this one’s nice. “I mean, not even a hooker? “” she gives up.

It's available to watch.

I don’t know. I don’t know. Sorry, Michael. You wouldn’t like them. I don’t get it!

You get to– you get to fuck. That’s hard.” That is hard, And so is putting on my socks. You ever flush a pet down the toilet? Me and those few people that clapped, We saw the president of America cry And then quit being the president. For me, I always have both. I think so, too. Shit, get over here!” And just hold him down and bite his neck Till he shuts the fuck up for a minute So you can just sit there and eat his stomach Before you go to work. We’re the only ones that get to just die old in a bed, Just “I love you. Jesus. I could be doing open heart surgery. Yes,” And she’s like, “” “no, no, no. ‘Cause I get to say good-bye to these kids every week. Idiot. Like, most people are OK as long as they’re OK, But if you put people in certain contexts, they just change. Some women fuck down because a guy talked them into that it was up. Watch "Oh My God" and see how skillfully he builds his act. It’s so shitty that your eyes bolt out of your head ’cause it sucks so bad.

You get to fuck. She just stands there just being old, And the dog just fights gravity every day, just– The two of them, it’s really– The dog’s got a cloudy eye, and she’s got a cloudy eye, And they just stand there looking at the street In two dimensions together, and– And she’s always wearing, like, this old sweater dress. She’s always just– she’s very old.

I always– Like, there’s this old lady in my neighborhood, And she’s always walking her dog. “Courtyard Confrontation”

Where else are you gonna get that deal?

’cause you made me go like this for half a second of my life.

You get to put your dick in there and go in and out, Pretty good, And if you’re a woman, you get to just lay back And just have a dick just shoving in and out of you awkwardly Anytime you want, anytime you want.

Aah!

I know. The comedy is for "every man", with an unexpected approach to every woman in the audience.

Not grown-up women, don’t usually– You don’t see, like, a 68-year-old woman, Like, a stately look– You know, like Sigourney weaver, Like, sucking milk out of a young woman’s tit.

You know why? That is a compressed area of bad thought. He’s worthless. “yeah. If you’re in an argument with somebody And they’re older than you, you should listen to them. ’cause they’re smart. I think human life expectancy is pretty good. I hope she dies first, for her sake, Because I don’t want her to lose the dog. Marriage is for how long you can hack it, But divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak.